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NLP | lonely

Is your fear of being alone sabotaging your relationships?

by Dr. Vesna Grubacevic

Do you fear not finding your ideal partner in life?  Are you worrying or stressing about being on your own?  Is loneliness affecting your relationship with yourself and your partner?

Conquering loneliness

Feelings of loneliness and a fear of being alone are very common saboteurs to relationship happiness. Even Jennifer Lawrence recently admitted to being lonely. A fear of being alone can lead us to adjust our behaviour subconsciously to avoid being alone.

The first step to conquering this fear is to identify if it is affecting your behaviour.


Which of these apply to you?
  • You get into any relationship to avoid being alone
  • The irrational fear of being alone has you push your current partner away and so you end up being alone – the fear becomes self-fulfilling
  • You adjust your behaviour in your current relationship to be accepted by your partner so you don’t lose them
  • You compromise what is right for you to stay in a relationship
  • You hold back from speaking your mind in case it upsets your partner and they leave
  • You stay in an unfulfilling relationship and justify staying (e.g. it is better than no relationship) to avoid being alone
  • You settle for less than you desire just to have a relationship with someone
  • You find yourself overreacting with emotion (e.g. go into a panic, feel overly emotional) when your partner requests space or to slow things down
  • You feel alone even though you are in a relationship
It’s irrational

The fear of being alone is an irrational fear. Consider this – how could you possibly be alone when there are billions of people in this world, millions in most capital cities and thousands in most towns. Think about how many people you see, how many queues you manoeuvre and how often you compete for car parking spaces when you go shopping or to the movies.



All irrational fears reside in our subconscious mind and are based on our past experiences and past conditioning. Often events that have happened early on in our upbringing can stay with us as irrational fears later in life. This is because we can interpret those events in negative ways and often, we can “make a mountain out of a molehill” and exaggerate these in our mind. These fears remain with us until we address them fully. Once you address them, then it is important to refocus on what you really want.

Give yourself permission to be happy

Take some time out and be really honest with yourself about your current or desired relationship.

Ask yourself:
  • What type of relationship do I really want?
  • What type of partner would fulfil my needs best in a relationship?
  • What type of partner am I deserving and worthy of?
Once you are aware of exactly what you want in a relationship, you need to give yourself permission and start taking action towards having what you really want.

Avoid settling for second best or compromising yourself. If you want a relationship that satisfies all of your eight needs, avoid settling for one that only meets two of your needs, and telling yourself that it is better than no relationship. Never settle for less than what you really want as any time you do, you send a very disempowering message to your subconscious mind that you do not deserve to have what you really want.

Imagine the fulfilment of letting go of any fears around being alone, making a commitment to yourself and taking action to have the relationship you truly want.


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