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Love Me, Love Me Not

by Dr. Vesna Grubacevic

Are you sending mixed signals to your partner or on your dates?  Do you feel confused about love?  Are you in two minds about whether a relationship with a partner is for you?

Fence Sitting 

Any time you sit on the fence and are indecisive about what you want could signify that you have an internal conflict.  Internal conflicts can pull you in different directions e.g. whether to stay single or get into a relationship, whether to have intimacy in a relationship or not because of a fear of abandonment, whether to seek love or not because of not feeling worthy of it.  If you have your feet in both camps about what you want and are not fully committing to either one, you will never fully achieve either one.

Inner conflict around a relationship can drain your energy and motivation, as well as send mixed signals to your current or potential partner.  It is also important to identify and resolve any inner conflict so that you are congruent about what you want, and you stop changing your mind.  Once you make a congruent decision about what you really want, you will be fully committed to that course of action, and will more easily follow through and achieve it.

Identifying Conflicts 

Common signs of potential inner conflict around relationships can include:

  • Saying one thing and doing another e.g. let’s have coffee, then not following through 
  • Second guessing your feelings e.g. you feel attracted to a potential partner and you question how you feel
  • Disagreeing with yourself e.g. your internal dialogue says “I want to be loved” one minute and “I don’t deserve love” the next minute, thus creating confusion about what you really want. 

While often these signs can be subtle, your partner or potential partner will pick up on these cues unconsciously, and will respond accordingly.  Your uncertainty about what you want will be reflected in their uncertainty towards you and the relationship.

Reaching Agreement with Yourself

Once you identify the internal conflict, it is important to resolve it by reaching agreement with yourself.  So rather than debating with yourself about what to do, you can make a congruent decision with which you are happy.  Here are a few questions to assist you with reaching a decision that is right for you.

For example, if the conflict is that you seek to be in a relationship with a partner yet you treasure your independence, ask yourself:

  • How can I achieve both a relationship with a partner and independence? 
  • Does the relationship I want include having my own independence too? 
  • How can independence and a relationship with a partner both work together for me?

This will assist you to work through any minor conflict and to move forward decisively with consistent thoughts, feelings and actions.  For deep seated conflicts, you may need to seek the assistance of an objective NLP Master Practitioner with the skills to help you to address these conflicts in a permanent way.

Once those conflicts are resolved, you will have the clarity and focus to create exactly what you desire in your relationship.

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