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Are You Needy?

by Dr. Vesna Grubacevic

Are you desperate to be in a new relationship or to make an existing one work?  Do you need to be loved and shown constant attention?  Would you like to be in a relationship for the right reasons and receive the love you deserve?

Need versus Want

Some people get into a relationship because they feel they need to be in a relationship.  The relationship gives them a sense of completeness, fulfills what is missing inside of them or meets the social expectations or obligations they feel upon them.  Other people enter a relationship already feeling complete within themselves.  The relationship adds to their happiness and they want to share their happiness with another person.  Rather than out of desperation, need or obligation, they enter a relationship because they want one.

People who are needy will generally do anything and put up with anything just to get love and attention.  This is because their neediness is driven by limiting beliefs such as “I don’t deserve to be loved”, “I am not worthy of a relationship”, etc.  It is beliefs such as these that will affect how they think and feel about themselves, and how they behave in a relationship.  The neediest of people will compromise themselves for love and attention.


When we enter any relationship, a dynamic forms between two people and each person can pick up and sense the other person’s energy.  When one partner enters a relationship out of desperation or neediness, it affects how they think, what they say and how they behave.  For example, a needy partner may want to spend all their spare time with the other partner, while the latter may want some time for themselves.  If that partner feels suffocated by their partner’s neediness and demands for love and attention, they may pull away.

The more the needy partner “pushes” their neediness on the other partner, the more that other partner will “pull” away from them.  The needy partner, in turn, feels that their need for love and attention is missing even more, so “pushes” even more to have this need met.  Their partner responds by “pulling” further away.  This dynamic can continue until one or both partners get frustrated, which may result in a disagreement, an argument or even a break up.

Why A Relationship?

Are you currently in a relationship because you want one or need one?  Or are you seeking a new relationship out of want or need?  Notice the language you use when you speak about your current or future relationship.  Your language is important as it reflects your beliefs, as well as your motivation for a relationship.  Words like:

  •  can, will, want to, am: are empowering and expand your options and choices
  •  can’t, should, have to, must: are disempowering and limiting of your choices.

Someone in a relationship who consistently says “I have to be in this relationship” is saying that they have little or no choice except to stay in that relationship.  Their language reflects their beliefs around relationships eg. “I am expected to be in a relationship by this age.”, “All my friends have relationships therefore I must have one”, “If I am not in a relationship, I am unlovable/unworthy/don’t belong”, etc.

Whether you are currently in a relationship or are seeking one, be aware of the dynamic that you are creating through your thoughts, feelings, words and behaviour.  If you are seeking a new relationship, is the dynamic on your dates empowering of both you and the other person?  If you are currently in a relationship, is the dynamic empowering or disempowering of both you and your partner?  If so, and both of you are truly happy, well done.  If not, identify and address the self doubts, fears and limiting beliefs that are contributing to the dynamic so that you can create a relationship you truly want.


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